Oh, I loved this. ❤️. We often think intimacy is found in grand gestures, but sometimes it’s sitting across from someone with a pot of tea and a shared future, choosing a direction together. After thirty years, still genuinely liking each other feels like one of life’s greatest achievements. I’m 23 years in and still adore him. X
23 years and still adore him — that's the whole thing. The liking is what holds. Anyone can love someone. The actually liking them, day in, day out, that's the achievement.
Before my marriage imploded, we went to therapy to try and work things out. I remember our therapist saying, "You two actually like each other." I remember saying, "Wait. There are married couples that DON'T like each other?" I thought how incredibly weird - and sad - it must be to exist in a marriage where you don't like the other person. And even though my marriage ended, I love to see other marriages thrive and grow based on communication, dedication, and effort. Well done!
This was refreshing! I am fortunate to say that I still like my husband and that after four decades together we are best of best friends. He sees everything I write on Substack and he helped me work on my memoir manuscript. Once in a while he posts an essay on my account to share his perspective so our narratives are both side by side. The idea of a memoir project emerged after a "change of scenery and a weekend away to get out of our heads."
Working on the memoir together brought out some charged memories and moments that were helpful for us to reflect on. Reading journals from 30 years ago together (his and mine) was downright cathartic for us — along with being hilarious and bit spicy at times.
It wasn't always this way and we have certainly had our rough spots — and who hasn't? Menopause was tough on me and nearly broke us — he would admit, these were not his finest moments but we worked through it and he would be the first to say that he has learned a great deal.
As you state, planning simple moments to simply be together and be fully present is key for a successful relationship. Along with intentional weekends away, we have rituals now, walking our dog, going to the local coffee shop for afternoon conversation where everything is on the table. Everything.
Thanks so much for this great essay and letting me add my thoughts ❤️
As a woman who has mostly known the version of heterosexual partnership where the man somehow becomes the weather and the woman becomes the project manager, translator, calendar, emotional support department, and emergency generator, there is something genuinely lovely about seeing this.
Not perfect marriage propaganda. Not "look how cute we are, peasants." But the quieter thing: two people still leaning toward each other, still planning together, still acting like life is a shared document and not a solo group project with one person mysteriously named Mom in every column.
"A solo group project with one person mysteriously named Mom in every column" — I'm going to be thinking about that line for a while. That's the whole thing right there.
So relatable to me. My husband and I also met in college and have now been married for 33 years. We marvel that we are still each other's favorite person. Of course, there have been hard times and choices along the way, but we wouldn't change it. Thanks for sharing.
Our children are older and two of the three will be at college this fall. I recognize that soon it will just be my husband and I. Just a year or less ago, I thought we weren't going to make it. I thought it was him, and it was really both of us. I had stopped liking him and I knew it, but didn't know how to work through our stuff. I decided to work on me first because that was something I could control and it turns out I needed validation, permission, and a release. I needed another woman my age to tell me something wasn't okay and to build me up enough to establish boundaries, communication skills, and more self-acceptance. I got happier and then turned toward him and found, I like him. I nearly gave up on us and there are still times that are hard, but I feel we've turned a corner. I think we were both unhappy in our own way and once one of us reconnected with joy and acceptance, the other saw/felt and was motivated to do the same. I love that you have such a wonderful relationship with your husband and I hope it is as nature as it reads for you both! For us, it's almost another sort of commitment or refresh of our marriage commitment.
Thank you for validating that. I think I just needed someone to recognize the effort and know it. It was a quiet decision and even quieter work to heal and support myself. I think I really needed this today!
I like my husband of 32+ years too! I tell him often! The other day my daughter asked why I had said like and not love. I told her that like is just as important as love. He is my best friend- and yes, I love him too! ♥️
"The best ones seem to be maintained intentionally." That's the line. We talk about marriages like they're either good or not — we don't talk enough about the work of keeping them that way. The planning is the love. (And yes, the eye rolls are very real.)
We’re just coming to the end of a 5 week road trip, my husband and I. It’s been great. We seem to get on so much better when on the road or away from the everyday. Each end of year we go out for an appraisal of the year, I like your idea tho, planning the year ahead 👌🏽
Five weeks — that's not a vacation, that's a recalibration. And yes, exactly that: something about being away from the everyday strips away all the roles and routines and you're just two people again. The end-of-year appraisal is a ritual I want to steal.
Oh, I loved this. ❤️. We often think intimacy is found in grand gestures, but sometimes it’s sitting across from someone with a pot of tea and a shared future, choosing a direction together. After thirty years, still genuinely liking each other feels like one of life’s greatest achievements. I’m 23 years in and still adore him. X
23 years and still adore him — that's the whole thing. The liking is what holds. Anyone can love someone. The actually liking them, day in, day out, that's the achievement.
Out love has carried us through some dramatic moments! But yes, grocery shops and a cuppa are still shared and very much liked. X
Before my marriage imploded, we went to therapy to try and work things out. I remember our therapist saying, "You two actually like each other." I remember saying, "Wait. There are married couples that DON'T like each other?" I thought how incredibly weird - and sad - it must be to exist in a marriage where you don't like the other person. And even though my marriage ended, I love to see other marriages thrive and grow based on communication, dedication, and effort. Well done!
Your therapist naming it out loud — “you two actually like each other” — would have surprised me too. Thank you for sharing this.
This was refreshing! I am fortunate to say that I still like my husband and that after four decades together we are best of best friends. He sees everything I write on Substack and he helped me work on my memoir manuscript. Once in a while he posts an essay on my account to share his perspective so our narratives are both side by side. The idea of a memoir project emerged after a "change of scenery and a weekend away to get out of our heads."
Working on the memoir together brought out some charged memories and moments that were helpful for us to reflect on. Reading journals from 30 years ago together (his and mine) was downright cathartic for us — along with being hilarious and bit spicy at times.
It wasn't always this way and we have certainly had our rough spots — and who hasn't? Menopause was tough on me and nearly broke us — he would admit, these were not his finest moments but we worked through it and he would be the first to say that he has learned a great deal.
As you state, planning simple moments to simply be together and be fully present is key for a successful relationship. Along with intentional weekends away, we have rituals now, walking our dog, going to the local coffee shop for afternoon conversation where everything is on the table. Everything.
Thanks so much for this great essay and letting me add my thoughts ❤️
This made me feel unexpectedly good.
As a woman who has mostly known the version of heterosexual partnership where the man somehow becomes the weather and the woman becomes the project manager, translator, calendar, emotional support department, and emergency generator, there is something genuinely lovely about seeing this.
Not perfect marriage propaganda. Not "look how cute we are, peasants." But the quieter thing: two people still leaning toward each other, still planning together, still acting like life is a shared document and not a solo group project with one person mysteriously named Mom in every column.
Thanks for sharing that!
"A solo group project with one person mysteriously named Mom in every column" — I'm going to be thinking about that line for a while. That's the whole thing right there.
So relatable to me. My husband and I also met in college and have now been married for 33 years. We marvel that we are still each other's favorite person. Of course, there have been hard times and choices along the way, but we wouldn't change it. Thanks for sharing.
Our children are older and two of the three will be at college this fall. I recognize that soon it will just be my husband and I. Just a year or less ago, I thought we weren't going to make it. I thought it was him, and it was really both of us. I had stopped liking him and I knew it, but didn't know how to work through our stuff. I decided to work on me first because that was something I could control and it turns out I needed validation, permission, and a release. I needed another woman my age to tell me something wasn't okay and to build me up enough to establish boundaries, communication skills, and more self-acceptance. I got happier and then turned toward him and found, I like him. I nearly gave up on us and there are still times that are hard, but I feel we've turned a corner. I think we were both unhappy in our own way and once one of us reconnected with joy and acceptance, the other saw/felt and was motivated to do the same. I love that you have such a wonderful relationship with your husband and I hope it is as nature as it reads for you both! For us, it's almost another sort of commitment or refresh of our marriage commitment.
"I got happier and then turned toward him." That's the order nobody tells you. We think the marriage fixes first and then we feel better.
You found it the other way around. That matters.
Thank you for validating that. I think I just needed someone to recognize the effort and know it. It was a quiet decision and even quieter work to heal and support myself. I think I really needed this today!
I like my husband of 32+ years too! I tell him often! The other day my daughter asked why I had said like and not love. I told her that like is just as important as love. He is my best friend- and yes, I love him too! ♥️
"Like is just as important as love." Your daughter asked exactly the right question — and you gave her the answer worth keeping.
I loved this.
You may have gotten lucky in who you chose, but what struck me is that you did not leave the marriage to luck.
You planned for it.
The same way you are planning for retirement.
The same way you are creating systems, having conversations, and choosing a direction together.
A lot of people assume good marriages happen naturally.
The best ones seem to be maintained intentionally.
Your children are lucky to grow up seeing what that looks like.
"The best ones seem to be maintained intentionally." That's the line. We talk about marriages like they're either good or not — we don't talk enough about the work of keeping them that way. The planning is the love. (And yes, the eye rolls are very real.)
We’re just coming to the end of a 5 week road trip, my husband and I. It’s been great. We seem to get on so much better when on the road or away from the everyday. Each end of year we go out for an appraisal of the year, I like your idea tho, planning the year ahead 👌🏽
Five weeks — that's not a vacation, that's a recalibration. And yes, exactly that: something about being away from the everyday strips away all the roles and routines and you're just two people again. The end-of-year appraisal is a ritual I want to steal.