I am pre-retirement and my husband is about to retire (ten years older) and I worry about his social life because, honestly, he doesn't really have one. It is me. And some family. But mostly me. Thank you for this insight.
That weight is real — being someone's whole social world is its own kind of pressure, even when you love them. You're already asking the right questions.
There’s something so haunting about the idea that the relationships that may one day hold us are often the ones that begin almost accidentally, one train ride, one driveway chat, one "sure, let’s get dinner" we could so easily have skipped because we were tired and the laundry was performing a hostile takeover...
The laundry line — because yes, that is exactly the calculus. The relationships that held turned out to be the ones we almost skipped for completely ordinary reasons. That accidental quality is the part I keep coming back to.
Thank you for sharing this. Finding the right people in midlife (and beyond) is hard. The ones you choose rather than the ones who develop because of circumstances--the mom you serve on PTA with, the parents of your child's soccer teammate, the manager one office over who shares your affinity for Diet Coke breaks. When those circumstances changed, I realized I was the one keeping the friendships going, and I needed to invest in reciprocal friendships so I wouldn't end up in a season of deep loneliness.
The Diet Coke line is so specific it hurts a little — in the best way. And what you named at the end is the harder thing: realizing you were the one keeping it going. That kind of honesty about your own friendships takes something.
I wrote about this in a post called "People Pleasing and the Art of Friendship," a few years ago. It was humbling to acknowledge I was people-pleasing and needed better boundaries with friends, as the one who was doing all of the giving. It's here if it's of interest: https://valeriecantella.com/inspirational/people-pleasing-and-the-art-of-friendship/
That title alone — "People Pleasing and the Art of Friendship" — names something most of us spend years not naming. The humbling part is usually the realizing, not the fixing.
I am pre-retirement and my husband is about to retire (ten years older) and I worry about his social life because, honestly, he doesn't really have one. It is me. And some family. But mostly me. Thank you for this insight.
That weight is real — being someone's whole social world is its own kind of pressure, even when you love them. You're already asking the right questions.
There’s something so haunting about the idea that the relationships that may one day hold us are often the ones that begin almost accidentally, one train ride, one driveway chat, one "sure, let’s get dinner" we could so easily have skipped because we were tired and the laundry was performing a hostile takeover...
The laundry line — because yes, that is exactly the calculus. The relationships that held turned out to be the ones we almost skipped for completely ordinary reasons. That accidental quality is the part I keep coming back to.
Thank you for sharing this. Finding the right people in midlife (and beyond) is hard. The ones you choose rather than the ones who develop because of circumstances--the mom you serve on PTA with, the parents of your child's soccer teammate, the manager one office over who shares your affinity for Diet Coke breaks. When those circumstances changed, I realized I was the one keeping the friendships going, and I needed to invest in reciprocal friendships so I wouldn't end up in a season of deep loneliness.
The Diet Coke line is so specific it hurts a little — in the best way. And what you named at the end is the harder thing: realizing you were the one keeping it going. That kind of honesty about your own friendships takes something.
I wrote about this in a post called "People Pleasing and the Art of Friendship," a few years ago. It was humbling to acknowledge I was people-pleasing and needed better boundaries with friends, as the one who was doing all of the giving. It's here if it's of interest: https://valeriecantella.com/inspirational/people-pleasing-and-the-art-of-friendship/
That title alone — "People Pleasing and the Art of Friendship" — names something most of us spend years not naming. The humbling part is usually the realizing, not the fixing.